You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
