Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
