woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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