you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
