I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
