You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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