you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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