I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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