you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How naked do you want me to be?
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