I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just had sex on a roof
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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