I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
