dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
