I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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