Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
