When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
