Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
