My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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