I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
