If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
