Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
