My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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