He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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