worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I am one with the molecules
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
