i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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