omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
