I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize