Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
wow bdsm is so cute
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
