Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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