I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
