Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize