hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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