I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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