I wannas sexs uuuuu
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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