My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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