i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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