Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
