one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
