i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize