The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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