OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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