In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
