well I can't set my house on fire every night
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
