remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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