i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
