my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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