captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
