Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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