ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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