Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
