So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
