her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
