My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
