the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
