My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Let's get the cat blown out
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
