I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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