I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
