I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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