I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
