my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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