i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
