oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
